Entry #934

End of the Month

I grew up poor. Even though I've always been poor, I've managed to make it. Feeling hungry, waiting to find a way to get food is hard. We depended on food stamps and when we ran out at the end of the month, my mom would have to steal and sell drugs to get money, just to put food on our table. Having no money has physically broken my family apart. We had to separate after not being able to afford our rent when it was due. Separating me, my sisters, my mom, and our dogs was the hardest thing. We all had to find somewhere to live, someone who would take us in. Even though not having money has made our lives a struggle, it still brings me happiness in the end because when I lay my head down at the end of the night, I know that my family will always make me happy no matter the situation. We don't need money to bring each other’s spirits up and we are always there for each other no matter what struggle we go through in life. That’s the best feeling in the world. I have learned that money isn't “all powerful,” because it still hasn't managed to take away my love, joy, and family.




Entry #936

Dark Days

I’m told I’ve been through a lot, but the thought never occurred to me

It was a rite of passage to watch my white and gray J's turn to scarlet and Burgundy

And I wasn’t even plagued by a single nightmare or a flashback

Just elevated my game, went from knife ware to a black strap

Living life like a match pack all lit up as one

Burning bright in the night

Leave an impact before I’m done

I know a war will come for a man who wants peace

But that seem like a paradox

Because the wars never cease

Like the war in the East, I was about the bread

Running up in the house, XD pressed against the head

But the past is dead, and I’m struggling to cope

Gotta look up

One year off of dope

Entry #938

I Hate Reunions

I wake up to a loud click to the cold steel doors; I realize I’m locked back up, coming out of a great dream that takes me out of this facility.

Stuck in a state of confusion, in and out for 4 years is taking its toll on me, commissary is getting empty, pod mates just reminiscing,

Released…

Happy as can be…

Took a hit of some weed...

Back on the streets...

Kissed my double styro cup...

Now I can’t stop leaning...

Hit the plug up...

I got everybody fiending…

I’m back…

Everybody greeting, happy to see me, kind of sad that this place is a reunion.  I guess it really is true, “What goes up, must come down.” I’ll be home sometime next year off probation. Once I leave there’s no coming back. Maybe I can graduate to the federal penitentiary with my brother.…..No,  I’m tired of the damn cells.

Entry #939

Paper with a Number

I have done some despicable things just for a piece of paper with a number and a picture on it, from drug dealing to robberies. Money is what runs this tiny little blue dot we call earth. Money can be the most fantastic thing that can happen to someone, along with the worst thing to ever happen to a person. It can change you as a person along to changing how people perceive you. In my life I have experienced having huge amounts of money and I have experienced having no money. It really took over my life at that time; I became so money hungry that I made a point to hurt people just to get what I felt like I needed. I would sell things to people I knew, and I knew in my heart it would just hurt them in the long run. As long as it would make me some of that money I was so entranced, it made me think it was okay. I've gone from rags to riches but in the end none of that matters because that is part of the reason I am where I'm at today...Stuck in a cage unable to contact the majority of my loved ones. If you can't memorize an address or a number then you’re simply out of luck.

Entry #940

Changing Course

Not being given a second chance…

It's been more like 15-20.

I've set myself up for failure time and time again.

The chance of my lifetime has come,

I'm escaping this county along with all the memories, and the fake Homies.

20 years from now, the smell of musk won't repulse me,

I'm going to a rehab

I’m going to find the old me!

Not going to be that 17 year old girl that's lonely.

Pathetic clouds have parted and the sun has escaped,

no longer stuck in the drugs living for the minute,

I'm now living for each day

Entry #943

Invisible Warfare

My life sometimes feels like a brick in the wall

empty and just blended with them all

I feel like I'm going to fall from the sky

I'm not afraid to die

Long nights my spirit fights

It's messed up to walk around with

No eternal light

Immortality is the key

I seek compassion

But my mind comes into play and

Positivity flees as selfish deeds replace

I drift into a chaotic place

The world feels like an evil game

Full of pain as my mind refrains

That is not my destiny

I have to quit stressing

Entry #945

Changed

Money, green as Sin,

I've witnessed things that shouldn't have been,

From that I've got a messed up life,

Liver disease, I've seen my grandma die,

My ma and dad used to cheat and lie,

They used to steal my things just to get high,

My mom, she's M.I.A,

Won't write back and it makes me cry,

My dad’s just as bad,

Every time I get close it makes him livid,

He’d say, "Money is never enough. To get through life you’ve got to be tough,"

Five years later I'm living in the Hall working out,

Standing tall but I want more out of life,

No more drugs no more strife.

 

Entry #947

Reflection

I look out my window and what do I see? Street walking zombie people strung out on D.

It’s scary and sad how this life can be.

I can’t handle my emotions so I’m steady puffin on tree.

On the run again I’m deep in the street,

And I’m trying my hardest not to tweak.

What fills my heart with all of this pain?

Maybe it’s God’s punishment for saying his name in vain.

I pray for better days as I survive this dreamy haze.

Stuck in this lifestyle like a drug infested maze….

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

A street walking zombie person strung out on D.

Entry #948

WITNESS

they call me a witness

try and put me on the stand

I didn't write anything down

I didn't say anything man

I guess I am a witness

when it comes to poverty

hustlin the street

hopefully police don't bother me

I guess I'm just a witness

to what the drugs can do 

hitting licks, robing people

that’s a fiend for you

I’ve never been a witness

when it comes to the riches

Entry #950

To Fix Us

Baby why do we do this to each other,

why do we hurt one another,

we know we’ll be together forever,

I hate when we fight, it makes it hard to sleep at night,

without you bay life would never feel right,

sitting here crying, tears falling down,

slowly losing my sight,

what happened to us bay we used to be tight?

Now were always mad, making each other sad,

we have to fix us baby, don’t let our relationship go bad,

we have been through way too much to stop here,

losing you out of my life is my biggest fear, I stand in front of this mirror as I wipe my face tear by tear, wishing that you were here whispering I love you in my ear,

every day your gone my heart aches in pain,

my heads not sane, your my backbone,  

if I was old you would be my cane, I’m the tree you’re the rain,

without you I wouldn’t grow,

 I’m the boat you’re the paddle, without you I wouldn’t go,

don’t you see that you keep me strong?

Every day with you is right but every day without you is wrong,

 I’ll be out soon baby, not too long.

Entry #951

Rigor Mortis

I been through the struggle and I’ve seen the worst in people,

Man were living in hell, were surrounded by evil,

I got the devil sending whispers in my ear, I try to block him out and pretend I cannot hear

It ain’t workin’

I slowly feel the demons taking over like a virus in my soul, getting worse as I get older

I can’t fight them

Yeah, their inside of me, got nightmares taking over dreams, every single thought I think, even when I close my eyes to go to sleep

I can’t escape my, born into hate;  I really want to change but it’s a little too late….

I’m dead.